Child-rearing Strategist Gifts

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

Grounded

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

I rule by fear.

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

Beware of teething baby.

"Irma, cancel all my appointments for the next 3 weeks, I need to go home to brood. Tell the board to only contact me on my mobile phone..."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"When can I redeploy?"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

"My dad put in a new security system."

'Except...That.'

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."