Chef's Dilemma Fan Pillows

"It was a cold night, like tonight, back, I'd say, in 1954."

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

He only had enough money for one, and for the life of him he couldn't remember the difference,

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

"Waiter - there's no fly in my soup!"

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

Woman finds something in her soup.

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

'What do you sugget for a couple of fuddyduddies who love hot and spicy, but have to eat bland?'

Road Guilt

Nigella Lawson

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'What's this about the food tasting funny?'

Do we have to watch Gordon Ramsey flambeing swordfish steaks in red wine while we eat our frozen fish cakes and instant mash?

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

This fly is doing the backstroke

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

Advent fridge

"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"

"Our privacy policy has changed. Press 'I Agree,' because what are you really going to do about it?"

'I'd offer you a ride home, but my car's only a one-seater.'

"No, I can't come out tonight, Darren. I'm washing my hair."

'By Royal appointment, or with celebrity endorsement?'

"Every time you want to eat a waiter, you can't find one."

Burp! Tap. Reflux, where reflex should be.

'And I suppose you're going to blame this on the inverted yield curve, too!'

Catholic Dieter's Dilemma

'Early celebrity chefs.'

'Well you said you were hot, so should I turn the fan on or not?'

Woman watching cookery show as she waits for her microwave meal to cook.

"By 'take more exercise' I didn't mean 'walking to the takeaway'!"