Checking In Pillows

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"Honey, do these sweatpants make me look like I prefer we stay in tonight so I can watch the game?"

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"On New Year's Eve, Clement and I stayed up all night drinking. Tea, of course."

Love is when you watch television together.

Moving in

"There goes our early night."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"I'm pleased that you have finally come home, I can't get the parrot back into its cage."

'Horace spends his spare time being a rock critic.'

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

'Misery is sleeping in late on Saturday morning then realizing it's only Wednesday...'

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

"Is this your husbands first flight?"

"Writing that book was a real strain."

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

'Sir, your suitcase is quantitatively challenged.'

"Your boss wants you in early for WHAT?"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

"Baldo, time to get up! It's the first day of school!"

"I love the smell of unemployment in the morning."

"Thanks so much for letting me crash here, I really appreciate how unassertive you are."

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"Isn't this more fun than spending money on dinner and a movie?"

Is this your social life?: Party - Or is this: Fall asleep infront of Frasier.

Wine-tasting Tour.

HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS,

'No, he won't be attending your car club meeting tonight. He's agreed to stay home and watch a romantic movie with me!'

Scenes from a marriage

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'