Check-up Champion Pillows

'I have yopur lab results. Some of your readings are too high and some are too low. No, they don't balance out.'

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

Edna's Doctor Fantasy

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"Much ado list"

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"So what brings you in today?"

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

"You're carrying a lot of tension in your neck."

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

'Sir, your suitcase is quantitatively challenged.'

'Wake up, Mr. Granger, the doctor will see you about your insomnia now.'

"This is your great, great uncle Orlando. He was a great mathematician, but a little cheap. He always picked up the check at restaurants...but only to make sure the math was right."

Man checks the gears in his chest.

"Smoke, drink and womanize as much as you like but don't forget to update your will..."

"Alright, Grandfather, let's check your ticker."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

"Your results show you have the body of a young man, unfortunately it's an very obese young man with chronic health problems."

'Heroic stoicism has its rewards.'

The great big holiday to-do list.

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?