Cheapskate Chuckler Pillows

Sod orf, midges...

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"They've used a first class stamp!... Do we know any lottery jackpot winners?"

"... Oh, he's the fastest in the west alright... The fastest out of the saloon when it's his round!"

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Is that neat whisky?"

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'Drive-ins are so expensive...this is much better than a drive in.'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"Since when did they start putting perfume in aerosol cans?"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'I warned you, Dr. Jekyll. It was a bad idea to give an additional credit card to Mr. Hyde.'

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

Thrift: Have a face-lift, and keep the old face.

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

"No luggage."

"'Less is more' doesn't apply to allowances!"

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

Thrift: 'Collect a smaller child than your own from school... It eats less and fits the old clothes of the previous child.'

"What are we actually celebrating here tonight?"

"I'm maybe not the real Santa, but I'm the only Santa who would do it for the money your dad was willing to pay for the job!"

"Your total is $10.97 and this is only $6."

"Hello, Mari...we brought you some flowers. No, they're not real... I thought artificial ones would last longer."

'After you. So courteous, he always lets me in first, so I have to buy the first round.'

'Okay, we'll meet six sharp, at the rail yard!'

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

"Oh, that's my Uncle Walter. He wanted his head cryogenically frozen, but it was way too expensive!"