Cheapskate Charmer Pillows

"Is that neat whisky?"

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

'I don't think my homework is very good. My dog refused to eat it.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

Sticking out tongue

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'Drive-ins are so expensive...this is much better than a drive in.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'I promised my Dad I'd be home by ten but I didn't say if that was P.M. or A.M..'

Sod orf, midges...

"Your dump or mine..?"

Footballer scores for the first time and wears T-Shirt reading: 'No longer a virgin.'

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

"I think Wendy likes me... she kept the spitwad I threw at her!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

'Look what I found, Dad - Can I keep her?'

Jerry was such a copycat.

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

"'Less is more' doesn't apply to allowances!"

"No luggage."

"Beats hanging around the water cooler."

Clean Fill Wanted

Thrift: Have a face-lift, and keep the old face.

"By breaking the seal on this dress, you accept the terms and conditions printed on my panties."

'Have you a moment sir?...A: Yes; B: No; or C: Naff off?'

Thrift: 'Collect a smaller child than your own from school... It eats less and fits the old clothes of the previous child.'

"What are we actually celebrating here tonight?"

"I'm maybe not the real Santa, but I'm the only Santa who would do it for the money your dad was willing to pay for the job!"