Cheapskate Charmer Pillows

"Is that neat whisky?"

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

'I don't think my homework is very good. My dog refused to eat it.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

Sticking out tongue

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'Drive-ins are so expensive...this is much better than a drive in.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

Having noticed a hot-looking security woman, Mort quickly penned a note and stuck it in his briefcase.

"Your dump or mine..?"

"Since when did they start putting perfume in aerosol cans?"

Footballer scores for the first time and wears T-Shirt reading: 'No longer a virgin.'

Sod orf, midges...

'I promised my Dad I'd be home by ten but I didn't say if that was P.M. or A.M..'

'Big Issue!'

"I think Wendy likes me... she kept the spitwad I threw at her!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

'Look what I found, Dad - Can I keep her?'

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

Jerry was such a copycat.

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

Thrift: Have a face-lift, and keep the old face.

"No luggage."

"'Less is more' doesn't apply to allowances!"

Clean Fill Wanted

"Beats hanging around the water cooler."

"By breaking the seal on this dress, you accept the terms and conditions printed on my panties."

'Have you a moment sir?...A: Yes; B: No; or C: Naff off?'

"... Oh, he's the fastest in the west alright... The fastest out of the saloon when it's his round!"

"Hello, Mari...we brought you some flowers. No, they're not real... I thought artificial ones would last longer."