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'Our guest has asked that we obscure his identity.'

"But enough about my teeth. Let's talk about your teeth."

'Please welcome next . . .'

The Stanley McChrystal Show.

The phantom of the Oprah.

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

'Enough already. It's a car, not a transporter.'

Love is when you watch television together.

Woman on the phone.

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

Succession 2

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

Night Life: L.A.

'Who's a pretty boy! Is that all you've got to say?'

'Those viewers who disagree with our editorial on TV violence has better keep their big mouths shut!'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

Boys and Girls: Differences in Internet Surfing.

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

'I can't find the words to express my anger with you.' - 'She needs a dictionary.'

'I don't care what your chat group says. I say you're becoming overly dependent on technological gadgetry.'