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'Our guest has asked that we obscure his identity.'

"But enough about my teeth. Let's talk about your teeth."

'Please welcome next . . .'

The phantom of the Oprah.

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Love is when you watch television together.

Succession 2

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Woman on the phone.

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

'Those viewers who disagree with our editorial on TV violence has better keep their big mouths shut!'

Boys and Girls: Differences in Internet Surfing.

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

Night Life: L.A.

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

'Who's a pretty boy! Is that all you've got to say?'

'I can't find the words to express my anger with you.' - 'She needs a dictionary.'

'I don't care what your chat group says. I say you're becoming overly dependent on technological gadgetry.'

I don't care what happened on ER. This doctor patient relationship is not going to descend into unbridled passion.

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."