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Tittle and tattle.

"Wow! I had no idea anyone gave a t**s!"

Oligarchy

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Man Reading Laptop.

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Fear of news.

Little Red Riding Carpet

'...Next election voters will have a choice of democrat, republican and 'generic'.'

'Hey!! What gives, there's nothing but a bunch of squiggly lines on this newspaper.'

"Wow. . . is that you, Mr Erdogan. . . Mr Kim Jong-un. . . Mr Putin. . . Mr Maduro. . . Mr. Bin-Salman. . . Mr al-Assad. . ."

Tom Hanks

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

Hollywood Breakup

"You're wasting your time, I'll never understand which one is Liam Hemsworth and which one is Chris Hemsworth."

'I'm not a magician, but I do keep live doves in my pants.'

Hang in There Democracy!

"A newspaper has a responsibility to ensure that its readers are fully informed."

Putin's Mutual Destruction

Joe Biden

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"I'd leave Redford for George Clooney in a hartbeat."

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

Scientist seen on loch.

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'It has been revealed that a senior politician will criticise something in a speech. Later they will criticise the opposite of something, just in case.'

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

Hillary Clinton and American politics.

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"