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The Savile Report: a retrospective.

"Emotional breakdown! Call Oprah!"

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

Morrissey

'Do you know Oprah?'

'If I never get my 15 minutes of fame, I at least want a giant cutout face of myself.'

Vanessa Redgrave

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Showbiz Awards

'R2-D2 is not in. Please leave a message after the beep-wheep-zip-booop ...'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Musical notes bubble gum.

Little Red Riding Carpet

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

'I don't have any formal training, but I do own the complet boxed set of 'Get Smart' DVD's.'

Super Bowl Halftime Show Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.

David Grohl - Foo Fighters

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

Hooray for Bollywood!

George Clooney Machine

"This is crazy! We've been here only 10 minutes, we've spent all our money, and we've got nothing to show for it!"

'It's one of the candidates for baptism. Wants to know if he can hold the hand that shook Elvis's hand above the water.'

The 24-Hour Celebrities Doing Something Stupid Channel.

Ringo Starr

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Leo McKern

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

'I don't know about you, Clyde, but I'm getting a mighty uneasy feeling we could be riding straight into an ambush interview!'

"WIFI, Amazon, credit cards. Pretty much every password is named after me."

Wayne and Kerry created a joint name like their idols Brangelina and Tomkat.

Bette Midler

"How is it that Mick Jagger still has the energy to be Mick Jagger, but you're exhausted just from being you?"

The boy who cried Wolf Blitzer,