Celebrity Concierge Gifts

"For heaven's sakes, pull up the red carpet!"

Courtyard of the Hotel de France, Montreuil.

'@#$=%!} paparazzi!'

'-Not THE Queen Vic?'

Young boy thinks he's spotted an old rocker.

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

'David when we said we would like you to be a role model for us. . .'

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

'Get me public relations!'

Celebrity Phrenologist.

The Acme Agency: "Dedicated to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Media Exposure."

A doorman fires a gun into the air.

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Polar Bear Paparazzi.

Kathryn Morris

"All the way from the new home in Rye just so she can sniff our old doorman."

'It's very exclusive - if you bump into a celebrity you get a full refund.'

"Should I as for an autograph? The cow's famous. It was in a Far Side cartoon."

Oscars

'Welcome to Reputation Makeover! Tonight, my team and I will try to repair the tattered reputations of those appearing on other reality shows!'

"I don't know what that is, either - it could be the Olsen twins."

Maps of the Human Genome

"Look at the size of this gas bill - you'll have to get rid of some of those celebrity chefs!!"

'Anyway, you look wonderful. Mind if I ask who does your lighting?'

"He loves to give autographs!"

Carpet

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

"Emotional breakdown! Call Oprah!"

'Hey, isn't that that bloke off the telly?'

"Your Amex rare earth elements card, that will do nicely sir!"

'Can I have a refund if she puts the weight back on.'

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.