Carpentry Fan Pillows

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

"I need a new mattress..."

Jack of all trades

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

Tree house.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

"Or we could tally the sheep like this."

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'Perfect. Do you deliver?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

Guide to Carpentry Fish

Teapot

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Whittler's Mother.

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

Hardware. You're right, maybe we should sell hammers by the "pound."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"I'm the ghost of woodshop past."