Carpentry Enthusiast Pillows

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

'If you don't stop biting your nails, you're going to ruin your teeth.'

'Just measuring you for the breakfast nook.'

"Here's a less known Jane Austen novel that you might enjoy. It's about carpentry and lawn care, called 'Fence and Fencibility."

Jack of all trades

Kid with messed up project in Wood Shop, titled: 'Wouldn't Shop'

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Arts and crafts

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

D.I.Y

"1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood"

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Guide to Carpentry Fish

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Whittler's Mother.

Posh Easter Egg

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

'It's good of you to go out of your way to show me what not to do, Mum.'

The Sculptor

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

"She's a natural!"

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'