Careful Carpenters Pillows

Shaker Timeouts

Jack of all trades

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

Worry tank

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

The Lion, the witch and the flat-pack self-assembly wardrobe: lion and witch putting a wardrobe together.

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

Guide to Carpentry Fish

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Whittler's Mother.

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Timber preservation

'It's not so much the distance to your proposed house site, but that I'm not familiar with your planet's building codes.'

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

Hardware. You're right, maybe we should sell hammers by the "pound."

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'