Career Commentator Pillows

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

'Not only does the babysitter want more money, she now wants to be referred to as a child-care specialist!'

'I'm looking for a yes man who doesn't use the word yes, are you that man?'

Occupant.

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

'The recession is over, again.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Red State Football

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

'Well, yes, Jennifer -- I suppose Samson WAS sort of like Wolverine.'

The national cartoonists' speech-bubble strike enters its 2nd week...

'Of course it's not your fault, Smedley, but someone has to accept the responsibility.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

Title Page for 'Mrs Grundy'

"I used to be a political lobbyist, then along came this chance to be a slug."

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

"That's lovely, dear. Give me a heads-up when manners and intelligence get a little closer."

"Unfortunately, we can't vote for Spongebob Squarepants..."

'The country just may not be ready for patriotic rap.'

Maps to talk-show guests' homes.

Church Open 51 Sundays Per Year, Closed Superbowl Sunday

"Since he retired, he fills his days complaining about 'woke' television."

I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think. About what, little buddy? Star Trek. The latest movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus. Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives.

Today's movies and TV shows give sex and crime a bad name.