Career Commentator Pillows

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

'Not only does the babysitter want more money, she now wants to be referred to as a child-care specialist!'

'I'm looking for a yes man who doesn't use the word yes, are you that man?'

Occupant.

Toy Shops and Educated Children

'The recession is over, again.'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

Title Page for 'Mrs Grundy'

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

The national cartoonists' speech-bubble strike enters its 2nd week...

'Of course it's not your fault, Smedley, but someone has to accept the responsibility.'

"I used to be a political lobbyist, then along came this chance to be a slug."

'The country just may not be ready for patriotic rap.'

"That's lovely, dear. Give me a heads-up when manners and intelligence get a little closer."

Church Open 51 Sundays Per Year, Closed Superbowl Sunday

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

"I just discovered where the company's money is going. Since when did we start paying our employees?"

Today's movies and TV shows give sex and crime a bad name.

Maps to talk-show guests' homes.

"He's a genius at product placement."

'There were a lot of highly qualified applicants, but I was particularly impressed by your resume.'

"Since he retired, he fills his days complaining about 'woke' television."

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"