Carcass Connoisseur Pillows

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

Atlas with the earth, says: 'So then I thought, Why not just roll the damn thing?'

'Time to buy.'

'Just a couple more and we'll call it a day.'

The Personal ATM

'You reek of crackers.'

Man frozen in portrait pose.

Expensive greeting cards.

'I like to wear women's collars.'

'Guess who made a bushel today?'

Moliere

'Dear father for what I am about to receive I give thee thanks.'

Charles Dickens.

'The new intelligent dummies aren't working out. They've figured out there's a break!'

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'...And an extra packet of crackers! It's our Anniversary!'

C Day Lewis.

'I'm looking for something that says 'I love you' without getting too personal.'

"Maybe I've been brainwashed, but at this point I do believe I actually want a goddamn cracker."

Bleak House

'The valentine card I gave you talks, plays music and flashes lights! Who cares about the message???'

'...and to commemorate 20 loyal years to the company, this gold plated sundial.'

Garden Centre: Bonsai trolleys.

"With this app, I can track my savings. It counts cash, categorizes cash, and calculates cash interest."

The Butcher of 35th street.

Golfers lost on the road

'I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.'

'Dogs have more charisma but cats have more electricity.'

Stock marketeers shooting each other playfully with guns full of money

Ask Mr. Buck: Financial Advisor. "Dear Mr. Buck, Why do so many people have trouble with their finances?" Money talks, but it does not give directions. (Published previously on Nov. 15, 2004.)

The Peacock Is Not Renowned For His Bluffing Abilities

'How about if we choose teams based on who has the coolest stamp collection.'