Carbon Fiber Avoider Pillows

IT was at times like this George was glad he had a fibreglass rod, as opposed to one made from carbon fibre!

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

Sawdust.

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

"Well, my wife is lactose-maltose-dextrose-sucrose-cellulose intolerant, which means I can't even hand her an empty box of candy."

Worm running away from hook.

'IN my fantasy league, we're not allowed to pick players from teams named after cats.'

'What do you mean, I don't match? Everything I'm wearing is wrinkled.'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

'You're just going to feel a little pinch, then a horrific burning pain, your eyes will roll back into your head, you will drool uncontrollably...'

Escaped Fish

Indoor sauna.

'We saw a mouse!'

'You want a plastic bag, for one tin of peas? Why don't you use your hands to carry it home? After all, they are reusable and friendlier to the environment.'

'Oh that's why I put on weight - all I eat is carbs!'

"I couldn't agree more - but, then again, I hate even non-lethal injections."

'He thinks some bugs are kind of creepy looking.

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

'My last book did not have a happy ending. I had to pay a fine.'

'Not only must she love dogs, but she must hate cats.'

'Look on the bright side, we're surrounded by water: We're safe from cats...'

"With my tech skills, I just feel my talents would be wasted on mundane tasks like taking out the trash, cutting the grass and cleaning my room."

'You have got to be kidding.'

Tortoise hiding from acupuncturist.

'I put a dab of Pine-Sol behind each ear and my husband thinks I've been cleaning all day.'