Canvas Collector Pillows

'It says this artist is making a statement about man's struggle with the rising cost of oil paint.'

'What do you do for a living?'

'We must be early. It hasn't started yet.'

Instant art

"Well, okay. You can have it for a thousand pounds if you want, but wouldn't you like me to paint something on it first?"

"It said this 'Spilt Coffee' series afforded her a lifetime of lattes."

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

(Camel paintings)

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

Glass and Porcelain Store: Elephants must remain outside.

"Number 2. Step forward please."

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

Art Plagiarism

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"It's called 'Sold'."

17th Century Anonymous Dutch Paintings Museum: Formerly 'Rembrandt Museum'.

Jackson Pollock makes a mistake: 'Guess I'll have to start over.'

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

How Art Works.

"I wonder what this was for."

'Stupido Digitale! Chucka me a sloppy brush, there's a gooda chap.'

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

'Just one more and this puppy is headed for another bar.'

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

His new 'Absence of Anything' reminds me strangely of his earlier blank 'Nothing to Say' canvasses."

"What's that smell?" "A paper cut."

As you like it - One way of catching fish

'How old is this vase?'

"Keep your guard up. We're entering big-cat country."

Outlaw Quilting Bees

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."