Candid Humor Aficionado Gifts

'Your resume says, you are lazy, stupid, incompetent, useless, and a nitwit. You're hired, I like an honest man.'

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"His first out-of-body experience."

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

Dog Walking Services

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

Skiing.

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

Intelligent people laugh too!

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'You're through around here.. turn in your rubber donut!'

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"I told you playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey was a dumb idea."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

Clown throws a bucket of confetti over car at 'Jimbo's carwash'.

'Run, run, as fast as you can!'

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

It would be a painful forty five minutes before Arthur finally admitted he left his presentation at home.

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

Deer Season Open.

More Reasons To Beware Of Dog

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"Wheel, schmeel—check these babies out!"

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."