Calorie-counting Comic Pillows

'Sorry, no carbs.'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'You've had enough!'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

The real reason salad aids weight loss

All you can eat salad bar has lifetime price.

'Waiter! There's no hair in my soup!'

'I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you Simpkins. You're not good for business.'

"Maybe I'll just put these cookies back."

"Your cholesterol level is through the roof, you've got a nasty case of gingivitis, and to ice things off... yeast confection."

Maude's yoga classes were beginning to pay off.

"To maintain good cardiovascular health, you should aggravate the cat three to five times daily."

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

An Expert's Guide to What's Good and What's Bad to Eat and Drink.

"It's not having seconds that's the problem. It's having fifths and sixths!"

50 Calories off all mains

"I'm much better at exercising caution."

Chocolate Weight Watcher.

(Elephant on hammock)

"I guess that thirty days of clean eating thing you're doing really flushes out your ability to talk about anything else."

'Your wife put you on a fad diet?'

"I follow a Mediterranean diet."

"I'll have coffee and he'll have decaff."

'I'll be glad to give you a second opinion but I don't know how much it's worth'

Another weapon of mass destruction.

"I need a few more minutes to resolve an internal battle between my soaring cholesterol level and a craving for french fries."

Shame on you.