Caffeine Critics Pillows

"We'd like you to invest in alternative energy. It's called sleep."

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"Practicing my hate-face."

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

Dateline - Caf

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

'This decaf's lousy.'

'Well, kids, I guess it all started with decaffeinated coffee....'

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

"... And the cold foam cascara nitro goes to Lazarus!"

"Hold on, I'll make that coffee to go!"

'Stocks rose on news engineers are close to developing a car that runs on lattes!'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

Three witches standing around a carafe in a coffee machine, waiting for it to fill

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

Self-Isolatteion

New Belief Systems

'He's on his sixth cup of coffee.'

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."