Cafe Worker Pillows

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

Uncle Mort, I've been at this cafe for 20 years. It's my anniversary. So you're still employed? Yeah, I mean, yeah, of course you know tha … No thanks to greedy corporate interests! They've moved jobs and cash offshore, avoided paying taxes, spurred public policy that destroys the middle class! My anniversary gift: Your spit. I yell because I care.

Barista

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

"I made him the wrong coffee, so I hit control Z, but it didn't work. Maybe I should just make him a new coffee."

'And this is how we make the house blend.'

'Any chance of a ploughman's?'

"Black pepper, Sir?"

'I'll have an out-of-work-ploughman's please.'

All those years at university and here I am washin up dishes...me, with degrees in tree hugging and free expression cartwheeling!

"Do you validate?" "What? No, there's no parking lot. It's just street parking. And that's free." "I know. But I came in to get a coffee yesterday morning at 7:59. The line was so long that I didn't get out of here till 8:02. Apparently you had street cleaning that started at 8am." "I'm not following." "It was your long line. The least you could do is validate the parking ticket they gave me." "Get out."

"Do you realize I haven't had a raise in twelve years?"

I just wanted to congratulate you on your fine iPhone. What's the catch? No catch. I think it's a great consolation. I'll bite. To what? To your great cafe job, my aging service worker. The iPhone is made overseas, like so many high-tech products. They've outsourced all those jobs. So you can't get a good middle-class manufacturing job but you can play Angry Birds and get me a large coffee! Decent idea, points off for long-windedness.

Monkey, do you think I'm wasting my life at this cafe? I serve coffee and scones, make small talk with strangers and regulars, clean up their messes and the bathroom. Tell my problems to a mute monkey who doesn't even listen and thinks only about food. House of Java.net Cybercafe. That's right, I'm on to you.

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"Sorry, I'm the Amazing People Watcher. I'm going all I can."

It's my 20th anniversary. Rudy Park, 20 years, this cafe. Ahhh!! You've been here 20 years? I'm old, so old, so aged. I'm two decades older than when I met you. This is a terrifying moment!!! And yet, I do look remarkably good under the circumstances. I think you for your congratulations. Think nothing of it. I always tell myself I look good.

Is there anything you want to say to me? Get back to work? I pay you too much? I can hire a migrant worker for half your pay and he won't complain to me in English? And he probably won't be loyal to you and this cafe for 20 years. Twenty years. Twenty years. It's your 20-year anniversary? I'm assuming that's the extent of your acknowledgment of this momentous occasion, and I should not expect a cake. You may have a day-old cruller for half price.

I'd like to order a scoop of you. Pardon? I've got a thing for strapping hunks who lug coffee and pastries. What's it going to be, lover? Take me, baby. I'll take you to court, freak! The Angelina Jolie fantasy runneth over.

The monkey is going to do tech support at the cafe? That's right. He can't talk. He doesn't know anything about computers. And? He could probably get more working for Macrosoft. We're non-union.

Rudy, the sleeping pills you're taking are causing a serious problem. I'm fine. You're half asleep! You can't keep coming to work like this. I'm totally lucid. You served one customer an all-bread sandwich. So? Two pieces of bread with a third slice in the middle! Was the bread not toasted?

Confession. Terrible confession. My favorite kind. By day, I work at this caf

Normally, we just write their name on the coffee cup.

What're you doing? Watching tv. On your computer? Sure. There are tons of shows available for streaming over the internet. Let me rephrase. Why aren't you getting me the coffee I ordered?! When this season of Lost is over.

What's that? It's my second published book. It's called "The Official Biography of Rudy Park, the Loser Who Allegedly Works at My Local Café and Spends All His Free Time Doing Nothing on the Internet." It's just a bunch of empty pages. I know. Very meta, right?

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

Good morning, Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you. I like licorice. It's time for your annual performance review. In short, you've done very well this year. Thank you, boss. You're friendly, punctual, and well-groomed. You follow direction acceptably, you've shown initiative, and you brew a fine cup of coffee. Those are the pluses. There's only one negative, really. Only 1.3 percent of your social media posts and comments have been about me or the cafe, and of those only 94% h

Howdy pardner. Ummmm

Merry Christmas, Randy. Same to you, little buddy. I've noticed there's no tree in the cafe. No decorations ... nothing. The boss is waiting till new year's, once everyone's tossed their trees in the trash. HOJ. He gave me scavenging gear in lieu of a Christmas bonus. How thoughtful.

"Do you every worry that the world's ending and we're just sitting here waiting for brunch?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Finches, don't look now, but there's a creepy guy staring at our beaks."

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

'I guess there are lots of rotten jobs, Gramma...I hope I don't have to clean the taco hut forever.'

'Do you have any catsup?'