Buying A New Mattress Mugs

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

'Thank you for calling the Zepco mattresses hotline...'

I'll wait here. What do you want in a mattress? On that helps me fall asleep fast. Then this is your bed. Only $1,250. For a few hundred bucks more, this super sleeper is great. Comfy. How about that one. It's the $400 econo brand. I figured. ZZZZ.

Do not remove this tag under penalty of law, dirt-bag.

"A secure and restful sleep is guaranteed when this mattress is stuffed with your own money."

"Well, NOW I can't sleep worrying about how much we spent on this high-tech mattress!"

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

Wally Begins research for his thesis entitled "who's a good dog?"

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

"They think we're their best friend. Just play along with it."

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"Quick, start the car!"

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

"Why do dogs wag their tails? Because it always brings results."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"We really need more perennials? Aren't my weeds and crabgrass enough?"

I hate deer! What do you have to repel them? They're awful. I've got fences. Sprays. Decoys. Tree's Tree Nursery. I'll takes these. Anything to get rid of the varmints. Ring him up, Twig. I don't know why you are so down on deer. They've been very good to you! Anti-deer.

Love a Mutt

'Works every time.'

"I throw this ball, you go get it and bring it back — everything else will fall into place."

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"No, our home wasn't stolen. Since it's a 'smart home', it keeps having itself moved to a nice neighborhood."

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

"Where's the ball? Where's the ball?"

'This one's good if you like to toss and turn all night.'

'But he qualifies for medicare in dog years.'

Man sees sign stating dog for sale, house and land thrown in.

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'