Buying A New Bed Or Mattress Mugs

"Agh! My back is stiff. I think I need a new mattress."

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"We really need more perennials? Aren't my weeds and crabgrass enough?"

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"No, our home wasn't stolen. Since it's a 'smart home', it keeps having itself moved to a nice neighborhood."

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

'This one's good if you like to toss and turn all night.'

Man sees sign stating dog for sale, house and land thrown in.

'This is the BEST well we've dug!!'

"Could we be getting a little too museum-quality?"

I'm looking forward tot he day we can afford some real statues for this place.

Your Future Home.

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"In the current market, it's just more practical."

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"How much?! Blimey, to get my money's worth, I'd need to use it EVERY WEEK!"

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"I think I picked the wrong spot to plant that apple tree."

'I've no time for these foragers - they come into the area and snap up all the best houses...'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'