Button Master Pillows

'We've simplified the control to 2 buttons - snooze and panic.'

"Look, there's even more buttons and stuff up there."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'That's not speaking, that's barking Try again'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'I can't get out! -- I lost the owner's manual!'

National Coffee Day

'I'll be conducting Mahler 3 as the guests arrive.'

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

"I'm not the only one who hates you changing the channel every second. Now when you want to watch TV, the remote escapes."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'How many words a minute do you type?' - 'Big ones or little ones?'

'To find out how to start your new mobile, please read the manual. T' read the manual, please start your mobile.

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

"I'm trying to decide between water and sunlight."

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

"You folks ready to order?"

"The instructions state that some anger, frustration and confusion is expected."

"I wonder which will come first. Me finishing this binge worthy Netflix series or another Netflix rate hike."

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten, or extra gluten."

'Helen! I'm all settled in and I don't want to get up. Would you get the remote for me?'

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

'You're a funny beggar, switching off the sound just because Joanna Lumley is ENTHUSING!'

Claviers

'Compliment me on my perfect pronunciation of this junk,and there'll be a good tip in it for you.'

"Don't order anything that will embarass me."

The morning show for people who HATE mornings

Our specials today include salad and dessert. Tip and service are NOT included.

I'm so busy at home I need three hands. One for the chips, one for the beer, and one for the remote!

"I actually know more commands than I respond to."

'Bird menu.'

Girls night!