Button Master Mugs

'We've simplified the control to 2 buttons - snooze and panic.'

"Look, there's even more buttons and stuff up there."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'That's not speaking, that's barking Try again'

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

I wish you kids would get off your electronics and learn a practical skill. Work with your hands! What does he think we're doing?!! Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

'I can't get out! -- I lost the owner's manual!'

National Coffee Day

'I'll be conducting Mahler 3 as the guests arrive.'

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

"I'm not the only one who hates you changing the channel every second. Now when you want to watch TV, the remote escapes."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'How many words a minute do you type?' - 'Big ones or little ones?'

'To find out how to start your new mobile, please read the manual. T' read the manual, please start your mobile.

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

"I'm trying to decide between water and sunlight."

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

"You folks ready to order?"

"I wonder which will come first. Me finishing this binge worthy Netflix series or another Netflix rate hike."

"The instructions state that some anger, frustration and confusion is expected."

Our specials today include salad and dessert. Tip and service are NOT included.

Pest control, with death.

'Helen! I'm all settled in and I don't want to get up. Would you get the remote for me?'

'You're a funny beggar, switching off the sound just because Joanna Lumley is ENTHUSING!'

"Don't order anything that will embarass me."

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten, or extra gluten."

'Compliment me on my perfect pronunciation of this junk,and there'll be a good tip in it for you.'

Claviers

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

The morning show for people who HATE mornings

I'm so busy at home I need three hands. One for the chips, one for the beer, and one for the remote!

"To create the universe, hit the space bar."