Business Sarcasm Lover Pillows

"Daddy made Mr. Carruthers. Now watch daddy unmake Mr. Carruthers."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Lethal Presentation

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"We have an acronym!"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"