Business News Reader Prints

Heart surgeon Prof. Boronsky knew how to find profitable new patients.

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"On Wall Street today, news of lower interest rates sent the stock market up, but then the expectation that these rates would be inflationary sent the market down, until the realization that lower rates might stimulate the sluggish economy pushed the mark

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"This just in... All new Euro notes are to be printed on Greece-proof paper."

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'...and the Nikkei closed down on the day.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!'

A Man and His Cat Read the Financial News.

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'I follow my dad's stocks so I know when to ask for an allowance increase.'

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.

'U.S. stocks surged on news that the government they all hate won't go out of business.'

'The pound looks strong to day. Yes, against the Zambesi bean.'

'Wouldn't it be easier if the banks simply merged with the Inland Revenue?'

Bought GE stock at its high.

"Markets reacted to the news by edging aside kind of awkwardly and then pretending to take a phone call."

'From Wall Street, here's a run down of today's stock prices and S.E.C allegations.'

"Stocks closed higher on news the U.S. budget deficit and the universe are expanding, so go with the flow."

'Today the market roared back on news that greed is good for an ailing economy.'

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

'The market dropped on the news some IRS refund checks said 'do not cash until next Friday'.'

The market went up and down, up and down, up and down...

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

'You think economic news on TV could be adversely affecting our patient?'

"Nothing is certain except death."

"Today, stocks dropped on news the new federal reserve chief, Janet Yellen, is a 'rookie'."

'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'

'Stocks soared on news a financial lobbyist wants 'greed' dropped as one of the cardinal sins.'

"It was a mixed dayon wall street. Stocks were down, but bonuses were up."