Reading Business News Prints

The market must be up

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

"The local water and electric companies merged today, shocking investors."

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

Netanyahu versus Gantz

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

Government and Opposition

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'...and the Nikkei closed down on the day.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

A Man and His Cat Read the Financial News.

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

'The pound looks strong to day. Yes, against the Zambesi bean.'

'I follow my dad's stocks so I know when to ask for an allowance increase.'

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

'Today on wall street, a rumor led to a rumor which raised fears of insider rumor-mongering.'

The following story is based on actual events.

News and Magazines. Record Debt. Dollar Down. How can the dollar be weak when we've been giving it such a good workout?

'You think economic news on TV could be adversely affecting our patient?'

"Stocks closed higher on news the U.S. budget deficit and the universe are expanding, so go with the flow."

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

"Nothing is certain except death."

Under What Circumstances Would You Change Your Mind?

'Today the market roared back on news that greed is good for an ailing economy.'

Bought GE stock at its high.

'From Wall Street, here's a run down of today's stock prices and S.E.C allegations.'

'The market dropped on the news some IRS refund checks said 'do not cash until next Friday'.'

'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'