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"Stocks closed lower on the news that highs and lows are states of mind related to opiods addiction."

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"On Wall Street today, news of lower interest rates sent the stock market up, but then the expectation that these rates would be inflationary sent the market down, until the realization that lower rates might stimulate the sluggish economy pushed the mark

"This just in... All new Euro notes are to be printed on Greece-proof paper."

'...and the Nikkei closed down on the day.'

"I always cry at mergers."

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!'

A Man and His Cat Read the Financial News.

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'The pound looks strong to day. Yes, against the Zambesi bean.'

'U.S. stocks surged on news that the government they all hate won't go out of business.'

'Wouldn't it be easier if the banks simply merged with the Inland Revenue?'

The market went up and down, up and down, up and down...

Bought GE stock at its high.

"Stocks closed higher on news the U.S. budget deficit and the universe are expanding, so go with the flow."

'From Wall Street, here's a run down of today's stock prices and S.E.C allegations.'

'You think economic news on TV could be adversely affecting our patient?'

'Today the market roared back on news that greed is good for an ailing economy.'

'He used to swear by the stock market. Now he swears at it.'

"On Wall Street today, the stock market corrected its previous correction, and is pretty sure it's got it right this time."

"Today, stocks dropped on news the new federal reserve chief, Janet Yellen, is a 'rookie'."

"Dad, here's that update on my childhood you requested."

'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'

'Today, in the stock market, 'irrational exuberance' was up, 'caution' was down.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

'Stocks soared on news a financial lobbyist wants 'greed' dropped as one of the cardinal sins.'

"Keep a television remote zapper handy along with a bottle of scotch whisky."

"Your Board has decided to downsize its commitment to honesty and integrity by around 35% of the fiscal year."