Business Analyst Gifts

Hour of rising vs worm acquisition.

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'By setting the sales goal after the sales, we're able to consistently maintain an above average sales quota.'

'Now think, Harris, what did you do different on that day?'

'We have two options. Boldly tackle the challenges ahead, or hold off and hope an asteroid strikes.'

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team...'

"Something about this proposed merger with Wickery Basket Company makes me nervous."

"There is only one explanation..."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"Come in, Wilson. I've traded my phone for some booze. Just another unexpected consequence of the breakup of AT&T."

'To address this mistake we must use root-cause analysis. I'll begin by saying it's not my fault.'

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team,,,'

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

Information vs. confusion

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'...Any ideas for a product?'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'It's so new we don't know what it does, but nobody else has it so we're selling the hell out of it.'

'The sales team did all they could, so I'd have to say the blame for that must fall on the consumer.'

Manufacturing will take place in China...So what role does Europe have?...you borrow money to be the customer

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

OK, we've defined the project objectives. Now it's time to establish the stakeholders.

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

"This next song's about spreading risk in a volitile market by diversification"

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

"Yeah, everyone agrees on the numbers, but nobody knows what they mean."

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

'While doing the research, keep in mind there are only two kinds of facts...Those that support my position...and inconclusive.'

'Refresh my memory, Ms. Hamish. Which little square am I - on the organizational chart?'

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

'Now, who owns this project?'

Professor illustrating how to put social responsibility ahead of profits.

Statistics: "Here's the sales graph...which way around would you like it?"