Business Adviser Gifts

'For every consultant there's an equal and opposite consultant.'

"And what exactly is it about my coaching style you find so 'intimidating'?"

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Forget the birds and the bees. I downloaded that from the Internet. Tell me about day trading.'

"Where's my tip?"

'There's more to life than winning; there's also taking losses as tax write-offs, That's it?'

'His business forecasts make flipping a coin quite respectable.'

'Remember, Henderson - Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you've sacrificed your leverage.'

'Bond prices will start falling when interest rate's rise!'

"Sharon, will you merge with me?"

"I could help but it's not really my area of expertise. My genius is more the squandering kind."

"I know the stock you purchased is down 90 percent and management filed for bankruptcy but let's not read too much into that."

"One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe."

'Willis is our most valuable consultant. He spots trends before they begin.'

Lion Tamer leaves a Crisis Management Center

'A consultant is an ordinary man a long way from home.'

'You've got it made - as long as it's made in China.'

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Corporate Image Consultant

'I can't get the hang of this cloud computing...'

'This wasn't what I meant by viral marketing...but if you can get it to work.'

'I would advise against expansion.'

'It's just for a trial period - until I learn to trust my own judgement.'

'Then, may I speak to someone who does care?'

'Have you tried s****ing yourself?'

The best way to keep your head is not to get into debt over it.

'Your Starbucks, McDonald's, and Hershey Stocks all went down. That shows you should never buy on an empty stomach.'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"My email is down... talk to me."