Bureaucrat Gifts

'Outcomes...normally we just measure the height of the files.'

"Thanks a bunch. I'll just run these by our committee and pass them along."

'How may I help you?'

Insurance co. claims department.

'We heard that laughter is the best medicine, so beginning Monday we'll be regulating it.'

Can you do another draft of this? There's still a couple of sentences people might understand

NHS development plan: "We're planning on filling in the details later,"

The intricate mechanics of government: Public entrance and Lobbyist entrance.

'But if we didn't measure things we wouldn't know how good we were at measuring the things that we're measuring.'

"We're ready to begin the next phase of keeping things exactly the way they are."

"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."

'Having conducted a comprehensive analysis of dozens of subsets of data from a wide range of sources we've confirmed that the likely answer is 36...now we just need to identify the question.'

"The only solution I can see is to hold a series of long and costly hearings in order to put off finding a solution."

"The report is damning about the lack of strong leadership... I think we need to table some time to consider the option of setting up a policy sub-commitee to look at our options..."

"Where would we BE without the right DOCUMENTATION...?"

'Once you get the hang of it, crisis management is fairly straightforward.'

'911!'

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'...the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

Department of Town Planning.

"Performance management...jump!"

Tug of Negotiation and Conciliation.

'All right... we've followed the health and safety directives, Can we get on with deliveries now?'

'Here are the new guidelines on how to set up a 'paperless office'!'

Department of Indifference.

Here are the latest strategic proposals on 'managing the paperless office'.

"It's a 300 page government questionaire about cutting back on bureaucracy."

Why the discovery of the New World took longer than expected.

'...and here's our filing system.'

'Could you bring me the new investment regulations you downloaded yesterday?' 'It's still downloading.'

"It's the new management structure, the worker's the one at the bottom..."

"I attend meetings therefore I am."

Food and Drug Administration, Yummy-Yucky.

'They're draft outlines on how to run a paperless office.'

'We've worked out an answer...what was the question?'