Budget Wine Investigator T-Shirts

"Well, I always find the cheapest French, Greek and Italian wines for binge drinking."

In the Guru District

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'You sent your wife to get a bottle of wine from the wine cellar? Your jet doesn't have a wine cellar.'

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"And then, suddenly, it was 3 P.M., and she hadn't really got anything done."

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'I'm doing a wine tasting course, it's fascinating. . .'

Wine of the Day Club

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

'Somebody's got to be kidding,'

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

"At last! Something that goes well with us!"

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

'What have you got in the way of an imported red that has a label that doesn't look like my cat drew it?'

Wine

'That's a tough question. I suppose I should be served with a dry red.'

Wine: New & Old!!!

'Red for me, please.'

"Put me through to City Stockbrokers please."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He's judging our reserve pinot noir - five years to produce it, five seconds in his mouth.'

"The fifth wine has bright apple and pear notes, with just the barest hint of a blinding headache."

A Good Year.

"What would you serve with toast?"

"What wine goes well with £5.52p?"

'To save money, Bob started making his own wine. This Chablis, for example, only cost him $329 a bottle.'

'I'm impressed at your choice sir, you certainly know your budget wines.'

"Must you always be so anthropomorphic?"

'Really, a foreign wine? What will the NSA think?'

A janitor stomps on, mops up and bottles some grapes to make "Truly Affordable Beaujolais".