Brainy Comedian Gifts

Dr.Phil McGraw

Albert Einstein

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'In the alternate universe I've come up with, everything would be exactly the same except cats would bark.'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

'Catch this!'

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

'I ink, therefore I am....', IF DESCARTES HAD BEEN A CARTOONIST

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

'It's a government funded study to find out how many wrongs make a right.'

''Et cetera' implies that you know much more than you really do. . .'

"Maybe Earth's primordial soup did contain polyester."

Planetary Science. What do we call the study of gas giants in space? Gastronomy.

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

'The stand-up geneticist'

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

'Granted we have to do the research. And we can do some research on the research. but I don't think we should get involved in research on research on research.'

The Scientist

"...then - and here's the funny part - I add the potassium sulfate..."

'We're de-salting water?'

A ship sails on water flowing off a flat Earth.

"Forget it, Goliath, I've decided to attack you online instead."

Full Frontal Lobe Nudity

With the brain being next to the ears, Ernie's started dwearing plugs --- He's heard "intelligence leaks" have been a big problem recently.

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

Home convenience goes too far with the lawn-bot 3000!"

"See, Mom? I'm not such a know-it-all."

'Your car keys are under the sofa, and you like to wear women's shoes.'

'He's disappointed because he heard that site had a high bounce rate, so he thought it had a lot of cleavage.'

Physics Lab. Sorry I'm late, but "a body at rest," you know.