Boss's Day Gifts

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

"The boss wants me to create a computer algorithm that converts hindsite into foresight."

"Shall I file it or do you want to find it again?"

"Basically, we have two options: #1: Do what I suggest because I'm the boss and I say so. Or, #2: I launch into an excruciatingly dull, long and detailed presentation explaining my position. You decide."

"And if you do any work, put it here."

"And to help you spearhead the new office efficiency drive I'm giving you this atlatl."

Computer neck.

"I like things to be done my way but by somebody else."

'Maybe you should reconsider those place cards, Ms Harris?' (Negotiation talks/Good Guys/Bad Guys)

'Just measuring your job performance...'

That memo you wrote on reducing office emails generated 3,000 new emails.

'A ceiling? All this time I thought it was a floor.'

Boss loads sales people with paperwork and wonders why they aren't selling

' I used to lead by example but it was too much work.'

'Why do I have to go first?' 'There's no I in team Dave.'

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

'Now, who owns this project?'

Sad boss: "This one pretty much sums it up."

No, Smith, that's NOT why they're called 'Spreadsheets'.

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

Management self help books: "He's staring at me, do you think he's having some kind of seizure?" "Managing negotiations chapter 3, 'maintain eye contact whilst reinforcing image of strength and warmth'"

'Would you mind if I made a few calls while I carefully listen to your ideas?'

'I start my day by making a list of everything I need to do . . . and who I can get to do it for me.'

Desk trays - 'In', 'Out', and 'It depends'.

Business Sisyphus

Employee performance review software.

Maybe next tiime you'll hand in the risk assessment on time

"Everybody gets a raise."

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.'

"...how would you rate me on a scale of nine to ten?"