Bonds Whisperer Pillows

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

My Bangs: A Play in 5 Acts

Opening the door to new customers

Man mourns the loss of his king after being checkmated.

"Do you swear to calm the jittery financial markets, all the jittery financial markets and nothing but the jittery financial markets, so help you God?"

"Now all we need is a good script."

'Your 11:15 is here, to ratify the new agreement.'

Post Game Day Betting.

'I've been a broker for almost three days and I've never seen the market act like this.'

Duplass Brothers

"You're just in time for our 'post Christmas, pre Autumn alternate Tuesday in August late season Sale!'"

'Boy, are the markets getting sensitive, anymore.'

"You say there's a dip in the market?"

'I see you have a stock market/body connection.'

"I'm getting subtle hints of what the Fed might do."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'I'm trading futures in green sheets.'

"Instead of poison, I introduce liberal, intellectual ants into the population, eroding the ants' patriotism and causing them to question the authoritarian rule of the queen. Slowly, over generations, it weakens the ants' genetic resolve to the point where they stay in the nest at all times, watching television and writing letters to the editor."

Always stick to the script.

'A few rules for new investors: First never say 'kaching' until the market is up...'

'I doubled my money! The bank dude gave me 20 50-cent-coins for lousy ten one-euro-coins!'

-Yipee! He's well out in front! -You do realize they're only going down to the start!

Stock Market Decline

"Retail shares just went up ten percent. My wife must have gone shopping this morning!"

"The free investment advice is buy low and sell high. We offer more detailed advice for a fee."

'I'm not asking anything for me but would you indicate to me as to whether you are bullish or bearish?'

WIZARD OF ODDS...gambling, lottery consultant.

Thank you for being so kind and approving my loan application. How can I ever repay you?'

"I haven't been this pessimistic about investing since yesterday."

"Ms. Frobisher, you know the market has turned around when suddenly you have nothing more to lose and everything to gain."

The insurance company says we can't insure the car till we scrape the Ralph Nader sticker off.

"Relax...it's only insider trading if you get caught."

"10/1 says I lose the next bet."

Harry, I've just had a tip!