Boasting Aficionado Pillows

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

Prosecco

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Here's to East, West, South and Bridgehampton, and all the little Hamptons in between."

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

Jack in the Box

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

Love Potion

Peace and Justice Return to the Joint High Commission

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

Dog

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

"Sure, it's an artificial fish. I caught it with artificial bait."

Another day, another conquest

A patient's heart monitor reveals he is thinking about fish.

"It's a polo pony"

'Stop barking, Winston!'

"I swear, '€#$%&' is a real quote from the Dalai Lama! To be fair though, I had just stepped on his toe..."

'I have high hopes of Wisden knocking the Da Vinci code off the top of the best sellers list.'

Delicate Hopsitality Abused.

Prison sports team members hiding their faces in the team photograph

'This should come out just right.'

'What's the point of having a luxury car if you put it in the garage at night?'

Ralph knew how to ruin a Notting Hill wine tasting soirée.

'I hear the boss is taking roping lessons.I wonder what he's going to practice on?'

'Don't make me come down there.'

The Meaning of Humour

"He's learning how to mutter in Spanish

'My decorator said I should hang Art on that wall, but I don't think he looks good there!'

Fish with a hook tells a good tale.

'Why yes,I AM looking for trouble - Tommy Trubble, actually!'

Dog: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff,ruff,ruff! Ruff,ruff! Valet Barking.