Boasting Aficionado Pillows

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

Prosecco

"Here's to East, West, South and Bridgehampton, and all the little Hamptons in between."

Jack in the Box

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

Love Potion

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

Peace and Justice Return to the Joint High Commission

Dog

A patient's heart monitor reveals he is thinking about fish.

"Sure, it's an artificial fish. I caught it with artificial bait."

"It's a polo pony"

'Stop barking, Winston!'

"I swear, '€#$%&' is a real quote from the Dalai Lama! To be fair though, I had just stepped on his toe..."

"He's learning how to mutter in Spanish

Delicate Hopsitality Abused.

Prison sports team members hiding their faces in the team photograph

The Meaning of Humour

'Don't make me come down there.'

'I hear the boss is taking roping lessons.I wonder what he's going to practice on?'

'I have high hopes of Wisden knocking the Da Vinci code off the top of the best sellers list.'

'This should come out just right.'

Ralph knew how to ruin a Notting Hill wine tasting soirée.

'What's the point of having a luxury car if you put it in the garage at night?'

Fish with a hook tells a good tale.

'My decorator said I should hang Art on that wall, but I don't think he looks good there!'

Dog: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff,ruff,ruff! Ruff,ruff! Valet Barking.

'Why yes,I AM looking for trouble - Tommy Trubble, actually!'

"I love our litte chats, Jack, but you've got to start drinking again."