Birthdays Gifts

'Mother, are you sure your marijuana use is purely medicinal?'

'I am a bit suspicious...In my experience, there is no such thing as a 'Free Lunch'...'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'But Mom, can't I just skip puberty and go straight to mid-life crisis?'

"Hey, I just got a burst of consumer confidence- let's go buy something."

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

"I can't believe I ate all that salad for nothing."

"I hope you kept the box it came in."

"Ever since I changed Siri to a male he's been forgetting birthdays and anniversaries."

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Comfort zone

'Whatever's the most durable. This is the fifth year it's been regifted.'

"Feel free to take notes."

'It's the worst possible diagnosis a bear can receive -- sleep apnea.'

'Look darling, her first word.'

'People seem to think that elephants have this magical ability to remember things. The truth's much more simple.'

"Question four: You win backstage tickets to meet the latest boy band. How cool is that?"

"You mihgt have fallen our with Uncle Hamish, but he likes me. He's given me his bag pipes."

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

'A boy? Come on, Mom, you can do better than that!'

BABY BOOK VOLUME XIV

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

'Mama! Joey's calling me a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant again!'

Things I've learned...

'I can't play -- I'm being audited.'

'Darling, you were supposed to 'blow-out' the candles...'

"I go directly to the corner? I thought there would be an appeals process."

'Don't worry about it Dear: You know Daddy gets grumpy if he doesn't get his daily eighteen hours of sleep...'

'Such work commitment has to be rewarded: The ticket is free Sir...'

Home Improvement Programme - "I'm afraid your teenage son will have to go."

Extra Virgin Olive Oil Promiscuous Olive Oil

'Nothing about smoking?'

'Hurry up: We've sprung a leak!'

"NO I DON'T THINK YOU NEED LEGAL REPRESENTATION WHEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS."

Looks like you put too much dosie in that doe, Earl.