Birthdays Pillows

'Mother, are you sure your marijuana use is purely medicinal?'

'I am a bit suspicious...In my experience, there is no such thing as a 'Free Lunch'...'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'But Mom, can't I just skip puberty and go straight to mid-life crisis?'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

"Hey, I just got a burst of consumer confidence- let's go buy something."

"I can't believe I ate all that salad for nothing."

"I hope you kept the box it came in."

"Ever since I changed Siri to a male he's been forgetting birthdays and anniversaries."

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

Comfort zone

'Whatever's the most durable. This is the fifth year it's been regifted.'

'It's the worst possible diagnosis a bear can receive -- sleep apnea.'

'Look darling, her first word.'

"You mihgt have fallen our with Uncle Hamish, but he likes me. He's given me his bag pipes."

"Question four: You win backstage tickets to meet the latest boy band. How cool is that?"

"Feel free to take notes."

'People seem to think that elephants have this magical ability to remember things. The truth's much more simple.'

'Such work commitment has to be rewarded: The ticket is free Sir...'

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

Looks like you put too much dosie in that doe, Earl.

"I go directly to the corner? I thought there would be an appeals process."

'Darling, you were supposed to 'blow-out' the candles...'

'Nothing about smoking?'

Things I've learned...

'I can't play -- I'm being audited.'

'Mama! Joey's calling me a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant again!'

With their only child off to college, the Gilmonts each suffered empty-nest syndrome in their own way.

'Don't worry about it Dear: You know Daddy gets grumpy if he doesn't get his daily eighteen hours of sleep...'

"NO I DON'T THINK YOU NEED LEGAL REPRESENTATION WHEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS."

BABY BOOK VOLUME XIV

'Hurry up: We've sprung a leak!'

Home Improvement Programme - "I'm afraid your teenage son will have to go."

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find