Birthday Cynic Pillows

"I mean...how do I know it's really your birthday?"

It's not just another meaningless birthday. It's your meaningless birthday (which makes it very special.)

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I hate all holidays!'

"I'm here for the hair."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

Obama builds own gallows.

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

"I don't get this whole age thing...I waited all year to turn nine, but now I don't feel any older!"

"Think, man! Think! How did you get this old so fast?!"

30th Birthday - Doctors aren't like policemen.. they don't grow younger, they just age faster.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

"He hit the big 60 today, and now he's just drooping around the house, convinced that he can hear his arteries hardening."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

"Since I don't really know you, I got you something that's easy to regift."

"Five really snuck up on me."

Cornucopia Prime

'Ms Phelps, can you help me? I seem to have misplaced my Christmas spirit.'

"It's just another birthday. . ."

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

'For my 40th he took me to a restaurant where they sing happy birthday to you, so I divorced him.'

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

"Pushing sixty isn't the problem - it's pulling fifty-nine."

We value your privacy. . . . . yeah, right.

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'