Birthday Cynic Pillows

"I mean...how do I know it's really your birthday?"

It's not just another meaningless birthday. It's your meaningless birthday (which makes it very special.)

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I hate all holidays!'

"I'm here for the hair."

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Birthdays are like life...the more you have, the more illuminated you become.'

Obama builds own gallows.

"I don't get this whole age thing...I waited all year to turn nine, but now I don't feel any older!"

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

30th Birthday - Doctors aren't like policemen.. they don't grow younger, they just age faster.

"He hit the big 60 today, and now he's just drooping around the house, convinced that he can hear his arteries hardening."

"Think, man! Think! How did you get this old so fast?!"

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

Historic Moments in Human Evolution

'Ms Phelps, can you help me? I seem to have misplaced my Christmas spirit.'

"Since I don't really know you, I got you something that's easy to regift."

"Five really snuck up on me."

Cornucopia Prime

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

'This is the fourth single woman to attack the Valentine's display this week.'

"It's just another birthday. . ."

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

'For my 40th he took me to a restaurant where they sing happy birthday to you, so I divorced him.'

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

"Pushing sixty isn't the problem - it's pulling fifty-nine."

'Okay. . . all in favour of a growing older or 'Birthday tax', please blow out the candles.'

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'