Bike Fixer T-Shirts

'Forget about going to the store for a bicycle patch. I used one of your nicotine patches.'

Drool Marks

You had me at vintage.

Waiting for Pants

'I think I've found what's been causing my funny buzzing sounds.'

Philip Nye – cycle chiropractor

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'I can't come out to play, I have to help my owner work on his bike. Sometimes it sucks being a smart breed.'

'I need a really loud horn. My brakes are a bit spongy.'

A man with a deflated bicycle stands in line at the tire inflator.

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

"Sorry, but that's a road racing bike. I'm a mountain bike specialist."

Mad Cyclist Disease, the latest problem to plague cyclists.

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

Bicycle Pie Chart

'Before you say it's got some old parts, remember that you repaired it last time.'

Man-spreading, Dutch style.

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

"Wait! Do you think the quick release bolts are a good idea?"

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

'Mac, when are we going to get the pickup truck fixed?'

Decals and stickers for your bike.

'Never accuse me of not lending a hand. I've just sewn your bicycle patch on.'

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

Deux Ex Mechanic

Cyclist looks bemused as his efforts to pump up a flat tyre inflates the the bike frame instead.

'My bike was making a strange noise, so I took it apart to fix it. I should've thought ahead, because I have no idea how to put it back together.'

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Kwiki-Fix Garage. With add-on charges, the sum is much greater than the parts.

Wheelies Gang.

The Mechanic

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'Before you say it's got some old parts, remember that you repaired it last time.'

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.