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Surveillance.

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Television Readers.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

American Idle.

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Caution: Driver Watching "Hard Copy"

"I know! Two years without anymore Game Of Thrones?"

'Enough already. It's a car, not a transporter.'

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

The city of San Francisco switches from cable cars to satellite dish at a cost of only $79.99 a month for the first six months.

Love is when you watch television together.

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

A bunch of baseball players sitting on a baseball diamond watching TV.

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

'Have you seen me?' (Brain missing in TV viewer)

Can't Touch This

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

100 best beheadings

Succession 2

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

'-Not THE Queen Vic?'