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"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

Moses' Tablet

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"What did you expect in the land of milk and honey?"

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

KING HEROD INTERROGATES THE WISE MEN TO KNOW BABY JESUS'S WHEREABOUTS

The Beer Garden of Eden: "This hard cider is life-changing. Try a sip."

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

The Reason Ed isn't mentioned in the bible.

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"Have your people call my people."

'Psst, Noah - there's a rumour going round that the dodos are gay.'

"Lord, business is slow and I'm getting frustrated. If I change my name to 'Job' would that give me more PATIENTS?"

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

Moses parting the waves and trolleys appear on the sea bed!

Cheap Labour Countries.

"Don't forget the screenplay."

'I'm not complaining or anything, but these are going to be really hard on our self-esteem!'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Wait a minute- these are just the ten commandments of perfect mashed potatoes."

Moses and the bridge.

"Of course there's an afterlife. It's called 'death'."

'Verily, Noah, the flood I am about to unleash is retribution for Tory defections to UKIP!'