Bench Warmer Ally Pillows

People for the ethical treatment of athletes.

"You've been so good to us all these years. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"I AM at my usual position."

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

'Are you SURE you switched off the electric blanket, luv?'

'Radford, go in for Bloom. ... Uh-uh-uh! Finish your vegetables first!'

"Just think how much we could save if we switched the heating off altogether."

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Feathered frenzy

'So there's global warming. What possible harm could it do?'

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

Spring Training

Be a friend.

Concerned about soaring energy costs, Connie embarks on her biggest craft project ever and knits a wool sweater for their house.

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

I'm a seat warmer test dummy.

Nobody has been on the this team longer, without actually playing in a game than you guys. We're setting a benchmark!

'See that, Greg? His back is straight. Both feet flat on the floor. Eyes fixed on the game. It's natural talent, Greg. You just can't teach that.'

'If you have trouble with cold feet in bed, you will find this dog is equivalent to two blankets.'

"Can I join you until spring?"

'Let's drink to air conditioning.'

'That's impressive, Hanks. Now just 'presto' it right back out of his skill. Geez... And you wonder why you never play.'

'I've asked Santa for a tank of unleaded petrol.'

Death warmed up.

A woman's dog brings her a valentine.

"I AM at my usual position."

"Crowdfunding..."

'Dear diary: day sixty, still haven't played. Starting to regret choosing baseball. Over the NBA...'

'That's the trouble with parks football - there's not much quality on the bench!'

'Yo, Dewey! Got another one over here when you're done.'