Beginner In Finance Pillows

'Quantitative easing' made easy for dummies.

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio?'

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

Bookstore. The Stock Market for Dummies. It's either an instructional guide or a history of recent economics.

'I'm going to teach you the value of a dollar invested.'

Financial Services For Lawyers...Beginner's Class...

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'Just be patient. Greed always makes a come back.'

We cater to the small investor.

Dispute over pocket money

"This is a selection from my novel about a writers' group that has one real writer and five wanna-be b*****s."

Royal Mail Privatisation

'Hey, this is nice! You should see my starter cave!'

"I think I need to diversify my portfolio."

'I've pinpointed our problem. There's too much month left at the end of my salary!'

Zero interest CDs! Why pay taxes?

"I'm really serious about exercising. Last year I only went to the gym twice, once to join and once to renew."

'There's nothing wrong with your cognitive abilities. All investors have short memories.'

'First time fly fishing?'

'I was doing okay in the stock market until I started investing too heavily in liquid assets!'

'where do you plug it in?'

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

"I went through the pain barrier pulling my socks on."

'Free 'I love money' bumper sticker to new investors.'

"Hey, my credit score is 271!! - It's a shame I don't even know what a 'credit score' is tho'. . ."

'You want to ask your uncle for investment advice? That's like asking Shaq for free-throw lessons.'

"I need materials for my awesome science project, mom. What's the limit on your credit card?"

Calculator: Counting by fingers.

'I must admit, I've never seen a decline like this in the three hours I've worked in the industry.'

'I invested in a completely new economic system for the country, but the instructions are in Japanese.'

'He lost his licence after 35 years and it's been that long since he's walked anywhere!'

"My wife doesn't understand me. Just as I don't understand the rudimentary principles of banking."

'I keep my diet book in the refrigerator for added motivation.'

'It's that folding stuff you use to buy things.'