Investing Novice Pillows

'There's nothing wrong with your cognitive abilities. All investors have short memories.'

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio?'

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

Today we learned to count to one.

Bookstore. The Stock Market for Dummies. It's either an instructional guide or a history of recent economics.

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

'I'm going to teach you the value of a dollar invested.'

Man breaks piggy bank to find another smaller piggy bank inside.

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

"Investment strategy - fear."

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

'Downwind from a herd of first time investors approaches the pinstriped investment banker, eager to make a kill.'

"Oh, man, I forgot to stretch, ever."

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

'Hey, this is nice! You should see my starter cave!'

'You may well, Ms. Ferris, one day write a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' bonkbuster, but today your account is one shade of red.'

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

I really hope the agent likes my submission... - '' - 'This is perfect.' - '' - 'Absolutley perfect.'

Zero interest CDs! Why pay taxes?

"I've discovered I don't have a head for figures."

Investment bible...I'll wait for the video.

'The bad news is that our fund lost money this quarter. The good news is that it's other people's money.'

If I learn how to write Roman Numerals, will that help me write computer code?

'Tell me again. What do we do with pork bellies?'

'I was doing okay in the stock market until I started investing too heavily in liquid assets!'

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

'Free 'I love money' bumper sticker to new investors.'

Bewildered, Inc. . . Stocks, bonds, mutual funds.

Lazy man reading a fitness book.

"Be truthful with me, Ben-what's the difference between mid cap and large cap?"

IRS: File Tax Returns Here At Your Own Risk

Calculator: Counting by fingers.

'My retirement plan suffered from a market correction.'