Bedside Manner Critique Gifts

'And if you like we can arrange for you to receive next to last rites on the morning of your surgery.'

"I'm afraid we can't see anything with the sigmoidoscope, so we'll have to send in junior."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"I feel your pain level."

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

Doctors Discussion

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

'Either I've got bad news for you or my watch has stopped...'

'Just remember, you're not alone - I'm scared to death, too.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

"I assure you I do appreciate what you're feeling."

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

'Isn't there ANYTHING you can do, Doctor?'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"I would not recommend you bypass heart surgery."

"I find this helps, when I have to tell a patient some devastating news."

'Doc, check out screen 2 in ten minutes...we got the big game!'

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

Heyyy, don't worry about a thing. One more energy drink and I'll have you sliced and sutured in no time!

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

'Actually, you're my second patient if you count that cadaver in med school.'

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"The doctor is a little squeamish, so don't mention anything gross."

"It looks like the internal bleeding should - I'm sorry. It's taking everything in my power not to tickle you right now."

"Do you HAVE to pick your nose at the table?!!"

"Anyhoo, it's malignant."

"I've a patient who needs a 'chat'...have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in a lighthearted, supportive but not disempowering manner' course?"

"I'm recommending a transplant. I'm transplanting you to another hospital."