Bedroom Strategist Pillows

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

A couple look at a graph on their bed

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"All your throw pillows were in knots."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

'We'll take it!'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

"They're exactly the same, except in Hell you have to put on your own duvet cover."

'Sorry!...Recalculating.'

"I don't need to get out of bed, ma - I programmed an app to live my life for me."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"To quote my broker, 'Past results are no guarantee of future performance.'"

S&M Lovers, "Not tonight dear... I haven't got a headache."

"Normally I wouldn't take any notice of all these ads on how to improve my performance in the bedroom..."

'Let's at least give the parabolic mattress a try - the Thompsons swear it saved their marriage.'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

'I guess you two won't be reading the Kama Sutra again.'

"The secret to my productivity is sleeping when everyone is awake."

"See you in the morning."

Chess cleaner

Napquest

"No more getting up and having to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack."

"Try the fancy new coffee machine. It's part of the school's new teacher retention program."

'OK, the bedspread doesn't do it for you. What's your formula for arousal?'