Bedroom Strategist Pillows

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

A couple look at a graph on their bed

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"All your throw pillows were in knots."

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

"They're exactly the same, except in Hell you have to put on your own duvet cover."

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'We'll take it!'

'Sorry!...Recalculating.'

"I don't need to get out of bed, ma - I programmed an app to live my life for me."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

Dali Paints His Dreams

"Normally I wouldn't take any notice of all these ads on how to improve my performance in the bedroom..."

S&M Lovers, "Not tonight dear... I haven't got a headache."

"To quote my broker, 'Past results are no guarantee of future performance.'"

'Let's at least give the parabolic mattress a try - the Thompsons swear it saved their marriage.'

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

'I guess you two won't be reading the Kama Sutra again.'

'Don't hurt it.'

"The secret to my productivity is sleeping when everyone is awake."

"See you in the morning."

Chess cleaner

Napquest

"No more getting up and having to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack."

I can't believe you're still hogging the sheets.