Beauty Realist T-Shirts

'No, it's not a special on the Grand Canyon. It's an actor's face in high definition.'

Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'I'm going to have to cut it - Daddy is complaining about the shampoo bill again.'

'This facial cream is called 'High Definition'...it brings out beauty in sharp, wonderful detail.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Woman looking into a mirror

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

"Define fair."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

Fast Food Dieter

"Botox."

"We're having a make up test at school. Can I borrow your mascara?"

'As pizza maker, maybe a skin care products site isn't the best idea for an affiliate site.'

"I don'y know who did her, but when she laughs the wrinkles go in very weird directions."

"Oh my gosh — so sorry! Those were extensions!"

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Here they come: Detox and Botox."

"It's too late for a nose job and too early for a face-lift."

"More concealer?"

Complete Makeover

'I assure you madam, that the uglification factor of this mirror is no greater than the nationally accepted one-to-one standard.'

'A large Swiss Pharmaceuticals company has expressed serious interest in my potion.'

"I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight."

'We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?'

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

Tunnel of love, then disillusionment, then mundane humdrum coexistence.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sebum! I think you'll love this property on the left side of the chin. It's a wonderful place to start a pimple."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"It isn't fair! Why aren't thin lips fashionable?"

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

'Nothing to give him an excuse to say I smell like a cemetery'