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"It looked a lot better on Colin Firth."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Cut!

"Happy Birthday!"

'Sheep striptease'.

Red hot little combo

"Hmmm... what would Scooby Doo?"

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

They had the technology to rebuild him: The $ 6,000,000 egg.

'Oh, don't mind them, We're shooting a reality-based TV series,'

A potato's favourite video

'Of course it's sold so well, every time I hide my wife's copy she buys another.'

Quackie was sure he would beat all his competitors, mistakenly believing that the three stages of the triathlon were swimming, running and flying.

"What are you crying about? You're the one who wins all the awards."

Christopher Fry.

"He couldn't get a volunteer from the audience."

Brexit

Jeremy Paxman

Dalek gardening...

"Oh, look. Tonight, the role of Doctor Lessac, normally played by some guy I never heard of, is being played by some other guy I never heard of."

Jodie Foster

Jimmy Carr

Children's Book Publishers. It's a sequel -- The little engine that could turns into a whistleblower!

Broadway Baby.

"'Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to Herald Square.'"

Kissing Booth

Housemaid

Laurel and Hardy.

'Black and white'

Book Signing: All-time Best Selling Book, Meet Author Today.

"Wow! This is just like the tv show I've spent my whole life emulating!"

Very Condensed Books